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With Over Twenty-Five Years of Pink Flamingo Torment, I Snapped

News Photo-Susan Patten/Townsquare Media

It started innocently enough over 25 years ago. Now it’s out of control!

One early morning, after broadcasting the news, I was engaged in lively conversation with the morning announcer when the topic turned to lawn ornaments. Suddenly, out of no where, I very publicly professed my extreme dislike for lawn ornaments, particularly pink flamingos.

What can I say? I simply do not like them.

I’m a nature lover. I have no use for anything that’s fake, plastic, or otherwise ornate in my landscaping.

I had no idea however what a storm of discontent was brewing until I started to receive hate mail at the radio station from, get this, the Lawn Ornament Breeders Association in Augusta.

Then the inevitable happened. An outraged listener sent me a wooden pink flamingo with flapping, windmill-like wings. It was very pink. Ghastly in my opinion really, but my kids, who were young at the time, enjoyed it as a toy.  It NEVER made it anywhere near my outdoor landscaping.

Now my grown daughters have taken it upon themselves to carry on the hate and tacky torment by purchasing pink flamingo Christmas tree ornaments, pink flamingo salt and pepper shakers, pink flamingo trivets…are you getting the idea? My very own Mother has even gotten in on it. One day I came home to little pink flamingo swizzle sticks stuck in all of my house plants and an inflatable pink flamingo in my bed.

How much is a woman supposed to take?

Today, when I arrived home to find a pink flamingo stuck in my tall bush blueberry bed, I did what any self-respecting woman would do. Especially one who hates pink flamingo lawn ornaments.

I let my German Shepherd loose on the intruder!

Editor’s Note: Only one tacky, plastic, pink flamingo lawn ornament was harmed in the making of this blog post.

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