We know. Portland's abut twice the size of Bangor. So what? Portland has more people, shops, restaurants and just about everything else. Big deal. Plus, Portland's on the ocean. Whoop-dee-doo.
Here's why Bangor, Maine's Queen City, is far superior to Portland, which doesn't even have a good nickname. Wait! What about Forest City, you ask? Please, don't talk to Bangor about forests. You can't handle our 600-acre Bangor City Forest!
Enough pleasantries. Let's get to it.
Paul Bunyan Is Way Cooler Than Longfellow
First of all, the Paul Bunyan statue in Bass Park in Bangor is huge compared to that puny little statue of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in Portland's West End. Plus, a lumberjack versus a poet? The pen might be mightier than the sword, but not the ax! (Apologies go out to our 10th grade English teacher.) But we did think of some ways to make Paul even cooler!
Stephen King Is Way Cooler Than Judd Nelson
Sorry, Judd. You were the coolest in "The Breakfast Club," no doubt. "St. Elmo's Fire?" Excellent work from the Portland native. But Stephen King? Come on. He's a literary machine whose successes are literally too many to name. Bangor even has a park bench dedicated to him. There is no comparison. This all applies to Portland's Anna Kendrick, too. (Just kidding, Anna. You're really our favorite!) If you're a King fan and find yourself in Bangor, here are 10 places you have to go.
Duck of Justice Is Way Cooler Than ... Nothing
We'd compare Bangor's famous Duck of Justice to something in Portland, but there is nothing to compare it to. Really, a police department without a stuffed mascot that was rescued from the trash and put in a glass case? That just doesn't make any sense. Maybe Portland can have a stuffed mackerel. Sounds about right.
Bangor's Outdoor Stage Is Way Bigger
Darling's Waterfront Pavilion in Bangor holds 16,000 people. As a result, it can attract some big names to the city. The Maine State Pier in Portland? Thompson's Point? Please. Combined, these two venues are barely half the capacity of Darling's. Have fun with the Goo Goo Dolls. We'll take Ed Sheeran.
Bangor's Way Closer To Acadia
You can have your sandy beaches in southern Maine. We'll take the rocky shores of Acadia National Park. That just means we have tougher feet than you. Because of this, we don't use (or need) water shoes. Oh yeah. Acadia is Maine's only national park. (We're not even counting Katahdin Woods & Waters, but now that we mention it, we're closer to that, too!)
Portland Doesn't Even Have a State Fair
Where are you supposed to get fried dough or lose lots of money on ring-toss games? As far as we can tell, the closest summer fair to Portland is in Cumberland. That's 17 minutes away! Meanwhile, here in Bangor we just cruise over to Bass Park and hit the rides.
There Are Way More Bears In Bangor
Now, to some that might be a bad thing, but bear with us. Get it? The prospect of seeing a bear while you're walking in the Bangor City Forest really forces you to keep a quick pace. That way, you stay healthier. We've never seen anyone trying to outrun a bear on the Eastern Promenade.
The University of Maine Is Just Minutes Away
Speaking of Black Bears, the University of Maine boasts the state's only Division I athletics program. Plus, it's the state's flagship university. No offense, University of Southern Maine, but Orono has it all over Gorham. Plus a team of Huskies can't hold a candle to a single Black Bear.
While we like our beaches rocky, we like our streets smooth. That's why Portland can keep its cobblestones. Twisted ankles? Broken heels? Rattling undercarriages? No thanks.
Bangor's 'Clearly' Better Than Portland
Maybe it's the lack of fog here in Bangor that makes this comparison so clear. Bangor is just way better than Portland, where you have to wait for the fog to burn off in the morning before you can even read the sign on the Time and Temperature Building.
Eagles Not Seagulls
With all that ocean around you in Portland, you'll have no trouble spotting seagulls -- dirty, loud, food-snatching seagulls. In Bangor, you're just as likely to see an eagle soaring over the Penobscot River. They snatch their own food.
Now, most of this should be taken in jest. While Bangor is a great city, so is Portland! Well, it's good anyways. Well, maybe not good. Let's all agree on "just okay." Okay?