One could argue that a smoking pipe has many uses.

We don't need to get into the specifics of what pipes are used for in Maine. There are certainly a number of tobacco stores that sell any manner of pipe. To be fair, many cannabis-themed retail stores offer similar options. But for the sake of our conversation, I'm not here to tell you to stick anything in your pipe and smoke it.

However, there are circumstances where desperate times call for desperate measures. There may be times when you can't find a pipe to save your life. Being from Maine, we have a number of solid Maine-themed things you could very likely find nearby. Let's look at some of these Maine-iacal options...

A Moxie can.

Jeff Tuttle
Jeff Tuttle

Sure, you could grab any old soda can out of the recycling bag in the garage, but a Moxie can would just make it over the top. You can feel like the most Maine person ever. If only you could have the Moxie man there to stare at you in utter shame.

A lobster claw.

Hello lobster isolated on white background

Think about it. You just had a bunch of people over for a big lobster bake, and you've misplaced you're favorite smoking apparatus. You're looking around frantically for a suitable replacement, and you spy that dried-up lobster claw from last night. The drizzles of drawn butter may make it hard to light, but you're from Maine. Toughen up, Chummie!

A frozen whoopie pie.

Homemade Whoopie Pies

It's summertime and you're out to camp. You packed everything. At least you thought you did until it was time for your nightly after-dinner smoke on the deck. You've looked everywhere and scoured all the tools in the shed. In a moment of sheer brilliance, you remember a frozen whoopie pie you put in the freezer. A little work with a paring knife and your evening is saved.

A deer antler.


To be fair, I think there are already shops that probably sell something like this already. But maybe you're nowhere near anything like that. Maybe you're out in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the deer next to you that you just laid to rest. I'm not saying it's the perfect way to honor that poor deer, but it's also dead, so...

A potato.

An isolated Idaho potato

A potato. An apple. A carrot. Any solid fruit or vegetable might do the job, and all of these grow just fine here in Maine. I have a family member who has their garden on someone else's farm a few towns away. If you reached for your smoking accessories, only to realize you forgot the most important one, simply grab one of those things off the plant/tree. Maybe skip the tomatoes, though. Big mess.

Honorable mention: Bangor's Duck of Justice.

Bangor Maine Police Department Facebook
Bangor Maine Police Department Facebook

Granted, you may have a hard time getting it out from under the glass in the lobby of the Bangor Police Department, but according to their recent 5-star Yelp rating, they're wildly accommodating over there. If you're that hard up, they might help you. I gotta believe you could get something going in the top of the duck's head, and inhale through its bill. It's a stretch, but often truth is stranger than fiction.

Again, It's not about what you're putting in a pipe. It's about taking care of yourself in truly nerve-wracking situations. And with most Mainer's immense levels of Yankee Ingenuity, there are probably even more Maine-themed items that could fit the bill. Sky's the limit, my friend.

Humor, of course, is always the best medicine, and it's usually even legal...

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